Memories reside in time

I wish to try to put into words what I feel right now. Do you know what it's like to go through hell and back and live your life as numb as never before? You try to tell yourself that everything is going well, that someday the sun will shine for you too, but still...there's something inside you that keeps you in the past, in the dark and in pain. What is it, you say? It's the memory of a loved and lost one. The one you know you can't come back to because you destroyed everything you had and any chance of connection with that person who has now declared you his worst enemy. You tried your best to avoid this mess and incredible pain but you just failed miserably. Every step in his direction you took was a step behind in his eyes and every argument you brought to the table was dismissed instantly and your soul was devastated each and every day more and more until there was nothing left, no more suffering to be felt...just an empty void. A resounding one. Its echoe still rings in your ear each day even though you try not to listen to it, to make it go away and just tell yourself it's plain nonsense and it doesn't matter anymore. The truth is you need to just pause for a moment and be honest to yourself and that is when you'll realize you just covered your inner pain in a layer of protective ignorance that keeps you safe from slipping into madness again. What does it take to face this deep and latent feeling? Maybe just a good dose of stress, sleepless nights and too much work and worries. At one point, it's enough to listen to a sad song about lost love and just break down and cry your heart out. This is when you realize how much pain you've hold inside you for so long it hurts your lungs when you scream with despair and feel short but vivid electric impulses of that person's existence in your life, you feel like you miss them in your life but don't even dare to think about it because you know very clearly that everything is finished and done for too long to even mean something to you or anybody else. So what other feelings do remain after a breakdown like this? What is left to feel? It's just peace. Inner peace not only with yourself and the other person but also with your flaws, your weaknesses and those of the whole humanity. You just KNOW that you cannot keep living your life in the past, mourning inside you each day someone who is dead and gone. Yeah, you can consider him dead because it's the same anyway. You cannot see them, cannot talk to them and cannot share anything with them anymore even if you wished to do so from time to time. You just need to come to this point where you can see things more clearly and realize you're just in a different world right now. A world that without them seems cold, empty and meaningless but it's still a world and it's worth living in it. You have to follow your own path, whatever that may be and just go on fighting for your dreams until you get to them because nobody is going to do that for you. Who knows? Maybe things were supposed to end like this in order for both of you to realize something. When I come to think of it, there were many things that I learned through this experience but most of all I learned how to love unconditionally, to love when everything was already doomed to end, when I didn't even know who I was anymore and what the hell I was supposed to do with my life. I just kept on loving him like a fool, no matter how many rejections I got back, no matter how many insulting behavior and hurtful words I received from him, no matter how many times he told me to stay away from him, no matter how many times he made himself clear that he didn't love me anymore...that all that he can feel for me is repulsion and that he doesn't want to see me anymore. Even though I knew very well all of these things, I still couldn't stay away, especially when I was determined to prove him that he's wrong and that I do care about him, that I'm willing to do anything I can to change his mind and to see the real me. I used to get the urge to run to him, no matter the time, no matter the place. Sometimes, if I couldn't sleep because of the pain I was in and because of thoughts that I was going to go insane, I just took the first bus I found and go to his place. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, especially considering his parents were there and that it was against his will of staying alone and as far away from me as possible. But how can you keep away from someone you can't live without? That's just something you learn in time, I think. I spent days on end trying to control myself but sooner or later I found myself missing him so much that nothing in this world could keep me away from packing up some stuff in a backpack and just take the bus and see him. This was the only way I could get some peace in my soul. By being next to him. That was the only way that my soul would give me some rest. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. Seeing him at last, no matter the consequences. Being with him even though at first he was angry with me and wanted to get rid of me. Sleeping with him in bed was second best as we would stay embraced all night until the morning, me cherishing every second and every heartbeat. I said "sleeping" but he was the only one who slept because him as I was too messed up inside to close my eyes for even a minute. I just watched him sleep, tucking him in when the duvet was not covering him so that he wouldn't catch a cold. From his point of view, it was never the right time to go to his place and see him. Not even when I came to his place to surprise him with a gift for his birthday. He took advantage of me, made me his sex sclave and forced me to do things with him because he was drunk and I was there, in his bed. How convenient. He didn't even respect my sensitive situation. He knows what I'm talking about. All I wanted was to see him for a second and give him his present. The situation was that I didn't have any other bus to come back, as I didn't plan anything in advance, just the fact that I wanted to give him the present that day, and so I was allowed to spend the night over. I can't say I didn't like what he did to me because everything he did was accepted by me without any hesitation. This is because I always tried to please him in anyway that I could and because of course, the physical attraction between us was without comparison, something I can't explain and that I will never understand. How someone's touch can ease your pain instantly, how that someone's kiss can set you on fire and make you want more and more and more until you both turn crazy for each other and soon forget about everything around you and just immerse in the desire and pleasure. This was the most apparent when he was gone for 3 weeks and came through my door that day. Not mentioning the fact that I though I was going crazy without him during all that time, crying all night and working all day so that I don't think about it. When he entered the door, I just knew he missed me too. Instantly. He gave me a big hug and then kissed my with passion. I was trembling from bottom to top and just melted away in his embrace. We made love, but I was still a bit reserved about how to touch him and what to do and not do because all this time he complained about me not being that passionate in bed. I tried my best but I think he felt my reservation. Of course he thought that I didn't change but the truth is I did my best everytime and I put a lot of effort into trying to change my ways. Another memorable night was when we first made love after I broke up with him, that was on 3rd of September. We were close to my place when it started raining so I stopped to open my umbrella. That's when he kissed my with passion and I felt all warm inside and the fire turning up more an more within me. I just wanted him to fuck me hard, to make me lose my mind and feel him inside me as fast as possible. We ran to my place and that's where we made love on a background of pouring rain, insatiatied with one another and feeling like nothing that was bad between us before really mattered anymore. Returning to the birthday scene, at one point, I told him something intimate and he asked me why I wanted that and I just remained perplexed by the question and stared at him in silence. I thought that it was a trick question (like many others that he had for me) and apparently I was right. He immediately said we should probably get to bed because it's getting late and I said yeah..okay..sensing that something was wrong but not getting any response from him that night even though I asked him if he was ok. In the morning he told me that he seriously considered getting back together with me but that I said something that put him off and made him and that just by staring into my eyes, he realized I was only there for my own selfish purpose and not for him. This was, of course, just one of his stupid reasons of being defensive and not showing how much he cares and how much he is actually afraid I'm going to leave him one day. Yeah, it's easier to be the one that leaves first when you don't trust that other person to be there for you no matter what. Because it all comes down to trust. You cannot do something like this to a person in whom you trust. You just can't. Something inside you wouldn't let you do this in a million years. Because you know you're safe and you know it's true. Because that's what true love really means: finding someone you can fully trust and accept that person wholly, with both good an bad. I know we both had trust issues but I also know what we had was real and nobody can ever take that away from me. Because only something that's real can get you to those heights and depths. I've been so high up in the sky and had all the stars in my hand when I was with him and went so down in every way when we argued or when he made me feel small and insignificant, like I was the most horrible person in the whole world, when all I wanted was to make him happy and have him for myself. That's why I was jealous when he talked to other girls on his phone, when he invited other girls out or when he liked their sexy pictures on facebook (I know, it's childish to care about stuff like that) but the truth is that when you want someone just for yourself, to not have to share his eyes, his gaze, his voice, his jokes and his love with anyone else, that's what you do. You get jealous. You get angry. You get suspicious. It's all because you care. Not because you have a secret reason behind all your actions. But that's something he will never understand and I have to accept that. We just have different visions about life and love and there's nothing I can do to change that in the same way that I can't change who I am and my feelings for him.